"Well, you have a melancholy soul, don't you think?"

Strange how that suddenly comes to mind, and the whole deluge of thoughts that follow behind it.

It must be... -six? seven?- years since we last talked- or communicated, to be more precise. You and I have never really spoken to each other. We've never heard each other's voices, and yet we managed to make each other's lives that much more bearable. I still wonder how we did it.

But sometime in JC I was reminded of you when a friend of mine received a phone call from someone she didn't know, who didn't give his name, and who only asked if she had the time to listen.

Too stunned at this strange turn of events, she simply replied, okay. So listen she did, and talk he did.

Not too unexpectedly, it was a story of unhappiness, of feeling somewhat lost. He did sound depressed, she said. And after all was said, he merely sighed, said thanks, and when met with her stammered: "er, you're welcome" and awkward silence, he said goodbye and hung up.

She couldn't call him back; there was no number to do so. And we still think that maybe he just punched in a random number, hoping whoever was on the other end would be a sympathetic ear and nothing more.



Sometimes I think of you and wonder who you really are.

Sometimes, on bad days, I write things like this and put your name in the salutation.

And on days like this, I remember things that we spoke of once.



"Well, you have a melancholy soul, don't you think?
Like all those poets. All the same."

"I tend to think of it as a throwaway soul."

"Same difference.
I bet you only like beautiful things because you're thinking they won't last."

"Insightful of you..."

"Why throwaway? You haven't been discarded yet, have you?
At least not that you've told me."

"'Yet'?? You're *so* optimistic..."

"*shrugs* We all get kicked to the kerb at least once in our lives, I think."



We both had the same strange problem, didn't we? Somehow we felt too little and we felt too much at the same time.

There was something which made us both strangely detached, like we lived in this world but were not of it, which caused so much tension for both of us, made it difficult to comprehend us, to live with us.

And yet the slightest thing which some would never take notice of could make us both mope for days. Weeks. Months, I remember. But lucky for you that turned out to be nothing.

Between then and now, I've been told many things; some of them you've heard before, some of them are new.

I'm cold, detached, have absolutely no EQ. I'm aloof, I'm unbothered, I'm unfeeling, I can't provide emotional support at all. And those are just the ones I think you've heard before. And I think an echo sounds in your head when you read those words.

But I've psychoanalysed myself a ridiculous number of times now and the only explanation I can offer is that I express myself differently.

I don't hug much, I don't smile much, I don't even have physical contact with people much. I don't talk much sometimes, even around people I've known all my life. I don't understand how they want me to be when they say they don't understand how I can be so unfeeling, and I wonder, is some spark missing somewhere...?

I'm not particularly good with my hands; I don't make gifts, and I never know what to make. I don't give out small little nothings to everyone I know on things like Valentine's Day with messages which are all one-liners and all the same. I don't know a whole lot of places where people go to have fun.

Me?

I leave things on people's desks which I think might be useful, tidbits of information I scrounge together from somewhere and save and print because I think they could use it.
I make soup and trot down to the convenience store for medicine when they're sick.
And sometimes an idea for a gift does come to me, and I turn it into one massive undertaking.
I buy things which end up being terribly belated birthday presents because I hadn't thought of it or hadn't happened upon it and thought, hey, that'd be just the thing, before the big day arrived.
Sometimes I iron clothes they need tomorrow.
And sometimes I just sit and watch, thinking of how their lives could be made better.

But that's all just unfeeling, I know.



On days like this, I wonder who you are, where you are, and if you're happy. And I wonder if either of us realises, in the grand scheme of things, how much we gave each other, even if neither of us knows for certain if any of it is real.

Dreams are strange things. At least to me they are.

My subconscious mind has always disturbed me in some way; it's always told me things that somehow or other turn out to be true.

And the most freaky of them so far has to be the time two semesters ago when I was taking that shortcut from AS4 to the space between LTs 9 and 10, that narrow little lane next to the windows of the AS4 staircase, and I just stopped dead in my tracks suddenly because something just felt very wrong.

And the very second I stopped, a penknife blade landed at my feet. Someone'd thrown it out of one of the windows upstairs, I guess. I never looked up to check, just froze for a while there, then quickly went on my way. But it did freak me out.

And my brain seems to be working overtime these past few months-- or at least one part of it is.

The dream of the lady in black recurred again. Just a few nights after Joseph and I broke up. The dream of the lady in black in an empty dark room, lit only by the lights of a city nightscape. Where a man with no face comes to hold her, touch her, kiss her fears away, but in the end he only leaves with one of the gloves off her hand.

The first time I saw it was during the time shortly before Joseph and I got together, and I didn't understand what it could possibly mean then.

But when it revisited, it suddenly occurred to me; maybe that dream was telling me all along not to say yes to you.

Estella

This space, cleared and replaced;
A heart with an empty sort of cold.
Not hope nor love lives here;
None but a tired weary ache.

They've all passed now, dead and laid to rest,
These shadows of my once-was loves,
The brittle broken pieces of mine heart
Scattered o'er the coffin
Like many red, red shattered roses.

And our hope lies smothered
In a decaying wedding dress;
Love chained to the hands of dead clocks
That remember too well
When the bottom fell out of the world.

A lot's happened in the last three months. I've just been too lazy to blog. :P

My last exam was on 2nd May, my Commencement ceremony was on 10th July, I went for my first international competition in Thailand on 17th July, and of course, my birthday was on the 22nd.

And shortly after that, on the 27th, Joseph and I broke up. Well. That's the gist of things.


Commencement was a... chaotic affair. After the ceremony and we'd all got our scrolls and everything, everyone was trying to take pictures with everyone else. We might really never see each other again, sadly.

While we were all seated listening to the speeches, Ivan actually messaged me to wish me happy commencement. And I wondered why Joseph didn't do the same. We actually hadn't spoken for almost a month; his reservist was 3 weeks long and started on the 24th of June and only ended later that week. I never really knew when was a good time to call, and when I did call, he was always out elsewhere with other friends. He said he'd call back, but he never did. And I just chalked it up to his usual forgetfulness, or maybe he was tired and had to be up early the next day.

Things hadn't been feeling right for a long time.

I left for a competition in Thailand on the 17th, and Joseph said he wouldn't be able to come see me off coz he had to give tuition in the morning. For a minute I wondered, isn't seeing your girlfriend off more important than giving tuition..? But I decided to let it go, since he's always been so work-oriented. Eugene keeps telling me I made too many excuses for him.

So Wai Xin, Xingjuan and Weiquan's girlfriend, Jeslin, came to see us (Fred, Weiquan and me) off at the airport, and just before the plane took off, I sent Joseph a message; since it was our anniversary that day, I said bye and I'd be back in 5 days' time, and happy anniversary. I never got a message back.

Thailand was fun; we landed in Thailand in the afternoon, and the people from the Thailand Outdoor Archery Club were there to pick us up at the airport. They brought us round the shopping district, and we bought ourselves a few things. They dropped us off at the hotel in the evening so we could check in and leave our baggage there, and then they brought us to the competition venue, just 800m from our hotel, haha. So we got to see the competition venue in its early stages of setup, and then we set off to find ourselves our dinner.

The next morning the van driver who helped drive us around the previous day brought us round to do more sightseeing; we actually intended to get a look at the Temple of the Emerald Buddha, the Royal Palace Gardens and the Temple of the Sleeping Buddha (Wat Po) just opposite the Royal Palace, but when we got there, the Emerald Buddha was closed the whole day for some ceremony, and we spent 3 hours just in the Royal Palace alone! So that meant we didn't have time to see Wat Po before the van came to pick us up and drive us to TOAC's range where that was a dinner-cum-team briefing session.

TOAC's range is a nice place too; their range is small, but in a cosy kinda way. The area where archers stand to shoot is sheltered, and just behind that, there's a pro shop and small cafe where the archers can get refreshments. If only that kind of thing existed in Singapore.

The next two days, Saturday and Sunday, were competition proper. Saturday morning and the earlier part of the afternoon were individual ranking events for us; I shot in the morning, and the two guys in the early afternoon. Later we went for lunch, and in the evening we had the team event for the University category.

Fred, Weiquan and me were the 5th seeded team; we weren't expecting to win anything, since it was an international competition after all, and we thought that the overall standard had to be pretty high.

But we beat our first team opponents, Chiang Mai University, and then we went on to face Ramkhamhaeng University. And when we beat Ramkhamhaeng, we realised we might actually have a chance of winning something. Coz after Ramkhamhaeng, it was down to the top four teams, and surprisingly, of the top four, three of the teams were Singapore teams. Our team, from NUS, and the two NTU teams.

Unfortunately, because of our initial ranking and the bracket that we were in, we went against the first-seeded team first, and we lost, leaving us to compete for the bronze medal against one of the NTU teams. We beat them in the end and managed to bring home a bronze medal each, but I still think that if we'd been up against one of the NTU teams first, then we'd have got silver instead of bronze. XD

So we came back on Monday night, on the 21st; our plane only landed at 9.30 pm coz it's been delayed by about an hour in Thailand. The only people who came to receive us were Wai Xin and Jeslin again, and Fred's parents. No Joseph again, but I thought it was probably pretty later for him and maybe he was tired after work. More excuses made.

My birthday was a rather dismal one; two weeks before, I'd already received the only present I'd receive this year-- ten people in the club had got together to buy my bow from the club and give it to me. So my bow of three years now is finally really mine. Thank you Weiquan, Wai Xin, Fred, Connor, Sylvia, Joshua, Xingjuan, Serene and Joseph. :)

But my birthday itself was quiet; Weiquan and I dropped by the range in the morning to see Fred, who was still conducting training despite getting back late the night before. Then we went for lunch and I went back home. Happy birthday messages trickled in, including one from Joseph which simply read "Happy 23rd Birthday!"

And I wondered why he couldn't even be bothered to call after I hadn't seen him for almost a month.

Even the breakup was done by way of an SMS, five days later.

I suppose you're right; I'm not the kind who's good at providing emotional support. Perhaps I'm really just selfish and I keep relying on someone to make my life more bearable while not reciprocating.

And you say that your feelings changed, that you felt our relationship had gone stale. And I remember what you said in the beginning, about how you were tired of playing around-- I wonder, if you were really tired of playing around, wouldn't you have made more of an effort to see that it lasted?

I'd had my own suspicions for the last month. Everyone else has their own. And y'know what they say? They say that you've been seeing someone else for some time now. And perhaps I'm not all that surprised; you left another girl for me, after all. And perhaps... against my better judgment, I said yes to you. Because I thought at that time that you'd only realised you'd made a rash decision too late and that you and that girl were not really to be. Because I thought that you were a better person. But it seems I judged wrongly.

I've asked for all my explanations now, and I can't really tell anymore how much of what you've said is truth or lies. But if you say that you haven't got together with anyone else, then who's the girl in all the Facebook pictures that you went to Bintan with?

Maybe she'll make you happy. Maybe all the numerous girlfriends you've had all this time were really just keeping space warm for her. Maybe this one will finally last and you'll find that candy-coloured forever so many of us will never reach.

I hope you won't let her down like you have the rest of us.

But I suppose that isn't my place to care anymore.

Random reflections while mugging in Science Library.

Just washed toilet floors are not always a good thing.

Was in the loo just now, and when I entered a cubicle and happened to glance down at the floor, I noticed--to my horror--that because of all the water that was still covering the floor and the flourescent lights above the cubicles, I could see what the person in the next stall was doing!!

And then I quickly averred my eyes and checked the floor of my stall.

Okay, mine wasn't so bad. And then I quickly did what I had to do and scarpered. :P

Compared to the Honours Thesis, the ISM is basically just "an extended term paper", but with a topic that's entirely up to us to choose. 5000 words, compared to the Honours Thesis' 12000.

Thesis has a page for acknowledgements, where you can thank all the people in the world if you want to. ISM doesn't.

So here's my list of people to thank.


To my supervisor:
Prof. Waterson, words cannot express how grateful I am to you for being so understanding, for giving me the time to finish what I started, for helping me to conceptualise and structure my paper.


To Mr. Michael Fernandez:
Thank you for an eye-opening experience, for sharing your experiences and those of your compatriots with me. It's not everyday that we're allowed a glimpse of how different things were, seen through the eyes of the remainders of a time that has been allowed to fall through the cracks and cemented over.


To my teammates in NUS Archery:
In my years at NUS, archery has always been my escape route. Thank you all for giving me somewhere to run away to. Even if it's just our crummy little range and lounge which SRC refuses to renovate or upgrade or improve. Thank you to my bow, Fidelis, for living up to your name and being my loyal companion all these years.

Thank you to all the archers who lived in school; for all the dinners, the late night Bridge (and German Bridge) sessions, mugging together, watching the guys play Counterstrike at night, room parties with green bean soup, red bean soup, chips and tidbits and movies and anime.

Thank you for being so much fun, the whole RVR gang; Sylvia, Connor, Nicholas, Huiting, Mengyi, Xingjuan (although you only stayed one sem) and Joshua. I'll miss living with you guys.

Thank you for the breakfast company on Thursday mornings, talk about shooting in the future and bitching about SRC, Wai Xin and Weiquan.

Thank you to one of the most stressful people on the face of the planet, my dearest Joseph. Thank you for always telling me that I should be working, for always telling me "you can do it", for being the chalk to my cheese, the night to my day, the sedateness to my hyperness, and when we both go a little bit nuts, it makes my day that much brighter. :D


To the Sociology Honours class of 07/08:
Thank you for the fun and laughter, the times of shared stress and deadlines and "Jiayou(s)!!" all around, the birthday parties and cakes and outings, the whiteboard in the Honours room that almost always had nonsense doodled on it; thank you for all the terrible jokes and wonderful times.

Thank you to Weida; coz you're such a great class rep, sending all those emails and communiques and helping us ask for extensions, and thank you for always asking, "How's your ISM?"

Thank you to Wilson ("task-oriented!!"), and Ling; the quirkiest project groupmates I've had in all my four years at NUS, and all that time we spent tearing our hair out trying to juggle the Urban Anthro project and our ISMs at the same time.

Thank you to Shawn Chew; just for being you, haha. And for wearing that silly shirt with the departures board on it. That shirt always made my day. We never did get around to that whisky appreciation session... haha. The image of you high on whisky coke will remain with me forever. :P

Thank you to Dorcas and Shufen for "mothering" the whole Honours class; Shufen with her Royce chocolates and Dorcas for being caring and always so cheerful.

Thank you to Eng Soon; keeping you awake during class was a challenge at times, but it was always amusing.

Thank you to Nicole ("neko!"); for being the one person I could make silly noises at, and have them made back at me. ^_^

Thank you to Yan Ping, for always being so quirky. Good things come in small packages.

Thank you to Dongchou, our resident "North Korean", for your wry sense of humour.

Thank you to Greg for the prayers and the advice.

Thank you to Pamela, my oldest and dearest friend (I sound like a book...); we've definitely known each other for too long. :P But it's good to know that you're still just about the only person I can talk to, wherein our conversation never has to make any sense, and yet we still understand each other. :D

Thank you to any other Honours folks I haven't mentioned yet; I just don't know exactly what to write for you guys! Bobby, Fiona, Charissa, Charmaine, Isabelle, Wei Loon, Melvin Chua, Melvin Lim, James, Yi Ding, Mas, I'dil, Hafiz, Jonny, Diana, Si Ying, Adeline, Pearlyn, Sheilla, PJ, Ana, Clement, Xin Yi, Daryl, Charlynn, Chongwei, KC, Winnie, Daniel, Bianca... and everyone else, because I know I've left out people, but I just can't remember all of you... :P


Thank you to my family:
To my parents; for making me the person I am today, for nagging me, for pushing me, for not giving up, for loving me in your own very different ways.

To my maternal aunts; without you, university and all the experiences which I have gained through it would never have been possible. I have lived on your borrowed dreams.


Thank you to people who don't fit in the above categories:
Thank you Eugene, for being the annoying, sarcastic pain in the arse you always are. Hahaha... Well, in all seriousness, thanks for all the fun times and the overnight mugging which seems so long ago now. Thanks for being a great kor, and here's hoping that your Masters application goes through, and we can all go to New Zealand and run wild for a couple of weeks. XD

Thank you Alex, for keeping me awake on MSN when all the essays were due, feeding me pictures of hamsters, YouTube videos and various other things that make time fly by. :P

And last but not least, the most unsung hero of all unsung heroes in the writing of any essay: my laptop. Thank you for not giving out on me when it was the most crucial time!!

I'm in a strange kinda mood at the moment.

Still doing reading and drafting for ISM at this time. Got allowance for extension, but my new hand-in date hasn't been finalised yet. Thank god for such nice supervisors.

I've gone mad lately, Tsubasa Chronicles has come back to haunt me with a vengeance. I remember when I first got my laptop almost two years ago, I found all sorts of amazing things on YouTube at the same time. Like the fact that you could watch whole episodes, whole seasons, whole shows on it for free.

And I stumbled on Cardcaptor Sakura clips, and out of curiosity, decided to watch the whole series. And then that led on to Tsubasa (Reservoir) Chronicles (TRC), the most confusing crossover series I have ever seen, despite the amount of fanfiction I read; not only do characters appear almost randomly and not necessarily in their original kind of roles-- this "crossover" is canon. And to add to that, TRC's universe can be terribly complicated and confusing.

Also promptly fell in love with the music for Tsubasa Chronicles. Kajiura Yuki is amazing.

I watched them off YouTube till episode 40, after which I stopped keeping up-- the series was still broadcasting in Japan then, and you could wait anywhere from two to four weeks for a subbed version on YouTube-- the waiting only became obvious when I caught up to where they were showing, and then at some point I just didn't bother anymore.

So I'm on a TRC craze at the moment. Always happens. My wallpaper folder has about ten TRC wallpapers, my desktop is hosting one currently, and my Tsubasa music folder has only increased slightly.

"Aikoi" (from the fourth TRC soundtrack) has been on repeat for the last three days; it keeps me awake. Works almost as well as caffeine. Or better. Since it looks like my system is metabolising caffeine faster and faster now.

I remember in year 2 Alex used to take caffeine pills to mug, haha. Dunno if they ever worked as well as caffeine though. I never asked.

Ah, caffeine. The world's most popular and "legal" drug.