So this Valentine's Day was very different from last year.

And if last year's was the best Valentine's I'd ever had, then maybe this year's was.. hm. Well, I wouldn't say the most, but it was surprising.

I think the antagonistic world view that I have makes it easy for people to surprise me. This conception that I have of the world as a win-lose situation-- that the only way you can win is if everyone else loses, and there's no two ways about it: we can't all be winners, so you just have to work and be better. It's probably why archery works for me; it's "a solitary sport-- everyone else other than the winner will have lost".

I have this idea of myself as just moving in and out of people's lives.

It's something that I noticed about myself in JC2; I could fit in with any of the cliques in my class, but if I left, I was never missed. At least, not as far as I know. Not that I'm bemoaning it or anything; I just never figured that I left an imprint anywhere.

So the idea that people can remember me enough to want to buy me flowers, make me flowers, buy me little gifts, make me little gifts... sometimes astonishes me.

An orange rose is the first flower of the day; it's unexpected-- I didn't even want to be here today. I wanted to be as far away as possible from all this noise; all the flowers, all the cards, all the hugs, all the smiles.

An orange gerbera like a peace offering. Funny you still remember. I was tempted to say no. I wanted to say no. I didn't, and I still wonder why you bought it. Was it because everyone else was giving out flowers like they were their good deeds for the day? Was it for old times' sake? Was it because I just happened to be there? It was my mistake from the beginning, I know.

A champagne-coloured rose; the most surprising of all. I didn't think myself important enough to you. But maybe you treat everyone the same. We don't talk anymore, and you're always busy. I think I miss what you used to be like. Strange that all the guys who gave me flowers last year are still all the same people doing it this year.

A rose made from light purple ribbon and a smiling, self-proclaimed delivery boy. I think yours was the only one I can safely say was meant to celebrate the love between friends. Fitting that it'll last far longer than the other three.


...
I wonder why you're calling. I wonder why you still remember me. I wonder what I'm to say. And the silences feel really strange.

Well, how's life, then?

"Same old thing everyday. I bet all your guy friends tell you, what."

Half-stifled, uneasy laughter comes across the line, hanging in the static and space between us and I wonder how many other awkward conversations there are going on right now, all hanging up in the air and wondering why they aren't all tangled up. Maybe in the confusion, one of us might end up with the right person, after all.

I'm surprised you still have my number.

"I was actually afraid you might have changed it."

I haven't.

"I know. You answered."

It's quite a normal question to ask; where're you gonna go after this? But I don't ask because I think I don't want to know, so it's quiet all over again.

"Y'know.. did I ever tell you that with you, that was the first time I actually did something about what I was feeling?"

No. You didn't. But your friend did. But I can't tell you that.

"Well.. yeah. It was."

I know. And I'm sorry I dashed all your dreams. But that's another thing I can't say.


...
Funny how today I just noticed all the mixed messages I was getting from you.

I don't understand why you notice me. I don't understand why you sometimes ask questions and then make them end in a manner of no consequence. I don't understand why sometimes you smile at me like that, as if you expect me to say something. And I never know what to say or what it is you want to hear.

And just when I'm quite sure it all means nothing, you whisper half-jokingly and give me that conspiratorial grin; in the next minute, it's like it all never happened.

I shouldn't be doing this. I don't have anything to give, and I've had enough. Tell me, show me; anything you want. As long as it becomes clear and maybe then I'll know. Perhaps then I can tell you no.

"I need to go now."

"Okay."

Because there's nothing else I can say.