I came to a sudden realisation of something sometime last week, and it came back to me again last night, while I was lying in bed in the dark, wandering somewhere between falling asleep and thinking about actually falling asleep.

Does anyone besides me realise how much people seem to avoid touching each other?

See if you've ever noticed this: even on an extremely crowded bus or train, people would still be hell-bent on keeping away from the person nearest to them; I've seen it happen when people shuffle still further in to make space for boarding passengers and their foot bumps against someone else's and they immediately apologise and move their foot away.

People do this when it's just a foot. Can you imagine if it were anything more?

I myself realised last week that I can go a whole day with absolutely no physical contact with another human being and not feel that anything is wrong. To some extent, I'd even go so far as to say that physical contact sometimes scares me.

Like yesterday, after Philo lecture, when we were walking back to AS6 and Jie suddenly took hold of my arm; I almost got startled out of my wits, but managed to keep it under control. And earlier today, when I was walking to the canteen for lunch with Ivan and Yuimin just "blundered" into me (in her usual "careless" style of walking) and sort of hugged me around the waist; I got frightened (yes, you're reading that right) and quickly took a couple of steps back-- with her still semi-wrapped around my waist. And she then laughingly asked me, "Why you so scared??"

I just replied that "I'm like that" and threw in a half-hearted laugh for good measure, but in truth, the first answer to that question that came to mind was: "I don't know. I'm waiting for someone to explain that to me."

Yesterday in SC2218 lecture, Anthropology and the Human Condition, we were discussing human evolution. Our lecturer was expounding on the interesting topic as to what "evolution" really meant. Does "evolution" really refer to the "betterment" of a species? Or does it simply mean a change in which the resulting form is just essentially very different from the previous one?

Have human beings really become "better" than their prehistoric ancestors?

Are we really that much "better" off if we can't even touch each other without feeling awkward about it?

Of course, I don't mean touching complete strangers, but still, even among a group of close friends, how often do you see people carelessly draped over each other and not caring one whit about it?

Even animals interact with each other and have more physical contact with each other than most of us do.

I know, some people might say then that it's because animals are animals after all; they're not sentient beings. Is the evolution and development of sentience then a trade-off for physical closeness? Or are we somehow seeking to distance ourselves from our "lower" origins by giving ourselves so many of these "boundaries"?


Last night, prior to that long epiphany that I had which you've just read, I also realised something else. I haven't hugged a person ever since, perhaps last year, when I might've met Pamela for the first time in ages and then hugged her. And following in that literal progression of "hugs and kisses", I realised that I haven't kissed anyone since the time I was small and used to kiss my parents goodnight.

I'd forgotten how reassuring it can be to just be held by someone; in fact, I'm not sure if I've ever really known the comforting effect that it has. I'm thankful that you thought it was necessary; I'm thankful that you don't think me too much of an emotional burden (yet?) and that you were there for me, but at the same time, I found it mildly... strange.

There was something in me that wished the bus ride would never end, that we would never have to move from that tiny corner of the world, that I could just sit there and bask in the comfort that you were providing for as long as I could stand-- and I don't think I could have ever tired of it.

This feeling is a common one whenever I'm around you, I find, and it never ceases to confuse me. In everything that we do, I have always felt that one last thing is missing. But I'm not sure that any kind of progression from what we are is really the way to go. I'm not even sure if it's what we both want or think we want.

You wonder if this is love? You wonder if this is the kind of love that the very very best of friends share or the kind of love that you might find with the kind of person whom you might have unwittingly been searching for all your life?

I wonder myself. And it confuses me.

And while I'm afraid of the sudden touches of everyone else, I wish that I could touch you without being afraid of giving you the wrong impression and driving you away.

I've told you before what I thought of you in the beginning, when we'd just started to get to know each other. I've told you that this had happened many times before in the past with me and that every time, it turned out that those other persons and I made better friends that anything else.

But with you, I'm never sure if that's true.

You're not the only one who wonders why the strong companionship that we have feels both so right and so wrong at the same time. I wonder why it always feels so comfortable, yet something in me tells me that it could also be something more.

You wonder if this is love?

I wonder if we'll ever figure it out.


A hundred days had made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder
And I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby,
But your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me